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SO im not quite sure what made me wonder onto LJ tonight.. mostly boredom, and then there was something else. Something like nostalgia.. just making me think about the past and people from it. People are arent around anymore. Iuno. nothing really special to say other than i read my last post.. and i think i lied.. i miss it a little. or at times i feel those thoughts creep back and i wonder why that has to be apart of my life, or my thought process whenever i am sad/angry/embarassed/stressed etc... but i guess i just have to consider it as being apart of my past and that doesnt mean that its apart of my present. and i can move on from it..

major stress lately.. in the work division..

im moving to another job, not particularily by choice either. This new job will challenge me in ways i havent been challenged in the... nearly 4 years i have been at my current job. I am no good with social scene,, altho i am better i am still nervous to be working at a new place.. with new people. Its intimidating, and brings me back to who i used to be.. mostly at school.. in social situations.. I would like to think i have progressed far beyond that person, im just not sure how far ive come. and it will be a steep learning curve when i get there... to have to deal with that. Wish me luck..

My current job is comfortable.. and thats the thing. Im the only employee and customers dont stay long enough for me to have to have lengthy chats with them.. this new job will bring all of that to the forefront.. and like i said, not particularily by choice. I'm not being fired.. but i may as well be. They cut my hours cause they arent making enough money. So i have to find other means of income. sigh*

Its the kick in the ass that i need. but one that i was only 20% prepared for. My first interview.. which lasted a whole friggin hour (good sign) went very well. I didnt feel nervous and i dont think i stumbled over my words... much. I still have issues with eye contact. but what the fuck do you expect? im not perfect.. I HAVE ISSUES SO FUCK YOU!!........ -.-" anyway...

my birthday is next month and my goal is to try to make this year a successful one.. in the work division. I finally narrowed it down to what i want to do in life and now its just about going for it.. sigh.. alot easier said than done when your fondest wish is to bury your head in the sand and pretend the world doesnt exist.

its not so scary out there.. i just fight with my demons still.

i guess i had alot more to say than i thought..



Well that was a trip.

I was watching Opera's conversation with Marie Osmond, and they were talking about how her son had commited suicide. Which got us talking about suicide, about depression. About my past, and why I did the things I did. I duno, it made me think. And I ended up in a community I havent visited in YEARS. Bleed Me Skinny, and CuttingImage. and wow. Just wow.

Cutting Image focuses alot on people just uploading their latest hack and slash sessions. Goddamn, I felt a huge lump in my throat, remembering when I used to think those cuts were beautiful. When I thought they were gorgeous. but now, I could barely look at them. I suppose that goes to show how much I have have grown. That I can say, with confidence, that I no longer harbor those types of thoughts. I may bitch and complain from time to time. But do I miss it ? Do I miss my depression? Do I miss the blood?

Hell no.

And that in itself is a miracle. I felt like crying for these people. I felt like posting an entry, telling them that life gets better. but fuck.. I just know when it was me back then, I didnt want to hear some fucking asshole preach to me about life getting better. I wanted to bleed. I wanted to scream. I wanted to die. and the last thing I wanted was to read how some other fuck was all healed and happy. So yeah. It got to me. I was lucky. Extremely lucky. Because I read their posts, and I get it. I remember feeling that way. I remember thinking that nothing was ever going to change. That I would cherise my scars. Forever.... and now they haunt me.

It was sad. and it made me feel sad for them.

UpdatEs frOm beYond

Yes. Its been forever. I venture into LJ every now and then. Mostly just to check on the groups I used to frequent. Sometimes I'll write a quick entry and then end up deleting it before it publishes. I duno why lol Maybe because its just been forever since I posted, that I feel overwhelmed with the whole update-your-life thing. I try to cover everything and then just get frustrated and... bored.. So I'll forget about updating and just write.

Yeah well its almost Halloween. Almost our 3 year anniversary... heh, and people thought we wouldnt last. Well of course, I have had my doubts. Mostly my own demons chasing me around, I go through phases, dwelling, agonizing.. and then basking, in the life I have created for myself. meh, its the way I do things.

Kodi turned 2 this year, Hedley!! he is HUGE. and growing into a very sweet young man. He stopped chasing Chi around the house, and now they actually PLAY ! only when no one else is looking of course. But somehow, Hedley has wormed his way into Chi's heart :) Its a beautiful thing.

My dad is getting Married. --- Thats a pretty big revelation. My mom moved out on her own and Peter has recently moved in with her. So my dad and his... Fiance... my soon-to-be Step-Mom, will be moving in together at my dads place. Her and her son, my soon-to-be Step-Brother. Wow. You know, its not even that big of a surprise. This is the woman my parents broke up over - all those years ago. Like, 13 years ago. And theyy recently reunited. After my mom moved out. So yeah, no big suprise. My dad loves her, she makes him happy. Period. End. I used to have alot of resentment towards her, for 'taking my dad away'.. but now that im older, im able to see their relationship for what it is. You cant help who you love. And happiness is all that matters.

Work? work is work. I keep saying I'll move on from where im at. But right now, it pays the bills and thats all I reallly care about. I'll get into gear eventually. Find something more fufilling, I have actually been looking into online-courses. I just feel like, I am ready to move on. I've been ready for awhile now, its just about realizing it. That I can grow up. That I have grown up. That my past is my past and I am a different person than I used to be. Its just balancing the transition. But it'll happen. Soon.

I suppose thats it for now. Back to painting my tombstones. Yay Halloween ! My costume is going to kick-ass this year !!!

cio !



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